It’s time for me to figure that out.
Now that the Era of the Accident has drawn to a close, it’s time to return to normal.
But I don’t have a normal any more.
It’s not like my life pre-accident still exists.
I’m going through this bizarre let down – the denouement, if you will.
This is the time, after the crisis, where things are supposed to shake out.
But nothing has shaken out just yet.
It’s like I’ve suddenly realized that there is no going back – not one thing is that same. I can say what doesn’t exist any more but I’m having a harder time saying what does exist.
I have a fucking empty nest.
I have a job that I can do blindfolded and I’m no longer crying every day so no more excitement there.
Both my parents are holding steady for today.
In a way, I’m feeling purpose-less. Everything was about the accident and making sure my boys were okay. I couldn’t focus too much on the rest of my world because every bit of energy was going into the family. I couldn’t plan anything because I didn’t know if my son was going to be in jail or not.
And now, he’s not in jail and is doing everything he’s supposed to be doing, his brother is rowing boats in Utah, and number three is holding down a steady job and he’s my drama-less kid so he’s not going to be my cause.
I’m not needed like I was a month ago.
What’s a girl to do?
I feel aimless.
Another way to look at it is that I have no strings attached. I’m free.
And I don’t know what the fuck to do with that.
It’s a good thing – don’t get me wrong. How many mothers of three, at fifty-three, get to do whatever they want; no kids to monitor, no husband to please, no pigschickenshorsessteers to feed.
It’s a big wide world out there and quite honestly, it’s a bit disconcerting.
There’s a time in a young mother’s life when the kids become just a little more independent and self-sufficient. Mom has a bit of time on her hands and suddenly, she is faced with the question, “Who am I?”
That’s often when women have another baby.
I am not going to have a baby.
But, I do get to ask myself the same question and answer it however I want.
And the weirdest thing is that I feel like I know myself better than I ever have before – I really like myself right now. But I still don’t know the answer.
I’m going to say it out loud…
I think I’m having a midlife crisis.
I just got another tattoo. I pierced my nose but didn’t stick with it. I moved. I’ve smoked a ton of grass. I’ve already dated the much younger man.
I have not purchased a sports car, nor have I cut off all of my hair.
But if it looks and smells like a midlife crisis…
Gawd, I’m a fucking cliché.