Category: Uncategorized

I’ll bet that if you count the days between my whiney morose posts,

the days between these pits of sadness that I fall into sometimes,

the number would be pretty damn close to 28.

Fucking menopause.

I need to get laid

When I feel like I can’t talk about what’s really going on for me, I can’t write; I either go radio silent or I write trivial things.

So there are a few things going on that, as I hinted at yesterday, I can’t write about yet – good things.

But I also still have really hard times, and I haven’t been writing about them because I am afraid of what certain people will think – I am afraid to be vulnerable. I am afraid of being judged.

And I hate that because I know that my ability to be open, honest, and vulnerable is what makes me writing appealing to a lot of my readers.

No one wants to read Suzy Sunshine.

Why do I care?

Fuck if I know.

Well, I do know, but I keep telling myself, as do plenty of others, that I shouldn’t care what “those people” think.

My heart was so deeply hurt, so torn apart; I was so devastated. I lost my shit and was ostracized for it. A lot of people talked about me, judged me.

I wasn’t shown compassion when I needed it most. Come on people, if someone is coming unhinged left and right, maybe she needs a little love, not total avoidance. Not anger.

I felt shunned.

I still feel that way.

And of course, at some level I do understand that I need, and most certainly have, better people in my life than those that hurt me.

But it doesn’t undo the hurt and the shame. And it doesn’t keep me from crying before I have to go into work. And it doesn’t keep me from avoiding certain places because I am afraid of who or what I might see.

And I hate being this person; hate living in fear and anxiety.

And yes, it’s better than it was – I’ve been going to the coffee shop (a few times) which I have been avoiding since I stood in the kitchen and found out about The Party.

Honestly, that moment gave me PTSD.

I felt my heart explode into a million pieces.

Having a party for him two weeks into our split and intentionally keeping it from me was cruel. Especially coming from the gal who had set her sights on him while we were still together.

When an entire family was grieving, the whole community rallying around one of those people to the exclusion of the other 4 sent a message whether it was intended to or not.

Sides were chosen.

And I was the bad guy for coming unhinged.

Again, I question why I still care so much about it. But the wound is so raw.

So here I am, talking about what is really going on for me and feeling like a fool because it is still going on for me.

I feel pathetic and I feel like putting myself out there just gives them more ammunition…

…more fodder for ridiculing me.

And the reality is that they are all probably over it and not even thinking about me any more.

And, it’s been close to a year so maybe I am ridiculous to still be thinking about them.

But I am. I still hurt. I still have anxiety. I still fall apart.

And that’s just the way it is.

For now.

 

 

 

It’s been a very quiet weekend – one for introspection and observation of my life and how it’s changed this last year.

I’ve also had time to look at how my life is now and the direction in which it is heading.

One thing that has kept me going through all of the shit has been to remind myself that something good, maybe even something amazing, will come out of it; it just wouldn’t be fair for that to not happen.

It’s funny, when you go through a chunk of yuk like this, if it includes a breakup then what you most often hear as a comforting statement is, “There is someone amazing out there for you.”

What if that’s not what it’s all about? What if looking for a new mate isn’t at the top of the list?

Then what is it that you hope for? What is the thing that will show up and be the good that came out of the horror?

One doesn’t often say, “Wow, my life imploded, maybe I’ll get a new job,” or “I hope that when the dust settles I’ll be forced to find a new place to live.”

One doesn’t suspect that when their child gets into legal trouble that everyone will be thankful for it.

Ever.

Not being on the prowl for a mate leaves others wondering. But what it also leaves is space for a bunch of the other good stuff to not only happen, but to be noticed.

It leaves room for the unexpected.

And the unexpected may be here for me.

Of course, I can’t talk about it now, but hopefully soon.

 

If your dog is a car chaser then you are not allowed to leave your dog outside unattended.

It’s really fucking unfair and unacceptable to put someone in the position of dog killer.

Tonight’s angry barker was 10 inches tall and the color of the dirt road.

Three trucks had to come to full stops to avoid hitting it.

Come on People.

There is a stretch of the Colorado River that I have never rowed and due to a near-death swim a few years ago, I never will row.

So today, my boy the river guide, came home to tell me that HE is taking ME on that river this weekend.

He said, “You’ve taken me down so many rivers, I can’t wait to take you down one.”

I really just have the best three boys in the entire world. They are such cool human beings.

I am so lucky.

 

 

he called our home his kingdom

really?

I just finished the final episode of Hell on Wheels.

We used to watch it, then we stopped because we had livestock for entertainment.

I began at the beginning, 70 hours ago, and am now experiencing grief, disbelief, and more than a little relief.

I haven’t gotten shit done since hour one.

I’ve actually upped my intake recently, knowing that realistically, nothing else was going to happen until I’d seen it all.

Until that fucking Golden Spike was driven home.

I completely succumbed to the lure of hot man in the Wild West.

And now, 2.92 days later, I can move on with my life.