I keep dreaming about sex: sex with the wrong people.
On the surface I’d say that my libido has reawakened.
But what about the wrong people bit?
Is it lack of options? Lack of imagination?
After what I had and what I lost in terms of a relationship, I’m not really interested in casual sex.
I kind of gave that a go early on – phone sex with an old lover – it didn’t do it for me.
I’ve had several offers (one that I seriously considered), but I’ve declined.
I think about waking up with someone in my tiny home and I can’t imagine it.
Then I try to imagine waking up in someone else’s home and that’s just ridiculous. I haven’t woken up in someone else’s bed since he and I moved in together years ago.
This is a tricky spot to find myself in at 52.
Do I want a relationship right now? Am I wishing that I had a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Casual sex – no strings attached? Long distance lover? One night stand?
I’m thoroughly enjoying being alone, having complete freedom and independence; I like being able to do whatever I want whenever I want.
I love the time that I am spending with friends – something I lost in the last 7 years. The friends that I hung out with then are the friends that were also his.
And many of those friends turned out to be not-friends.
I missed out on a lot of other amazing people – people who are real friends.
I know that’s what often occurs in a relationship, so I’m making up for it now.
I’m really happy and am in no rush whatsoever to be “in partnership.”
God how that expression makes me cringe – I hate the lack of articles in today’s language.
I can’t really see casual sex with anyone that I know (although my dreams are telling me something else.)
But there seem to be stirrings.
My devastated heart is healing.