what that tidbit did

That little tidbit of information that I received…it has unlocked something for me .

Thank the lord.

There’s the anger. I have been angry a few times this past year but it’s been a FUCK YOU! anger; anger mixed with anxiety, stemming from heartbreak and the desire to beat someone’s head with a rock.

Not really.

Now it’s kind of a calm anger, more of a fuck you feeling; anger mixed with relief.

I have been waiting a long time to actually feel it. I’ve known on an intellectual level that I should be relieved, (and angry) but emotionally, I haven’t really had it for a sustained chunk of time.

I feel like I’ve unloaded the burden that I have been carrying this entire time – that somehow it was my fault – not the breakup, but the aftermath. He told me that the problem was that I kept losing my shit with him, which unfortunately, I did, but my response to that is, Dude, why did I keep losing my shit?

But now, I have this forgiveness for myself; I was not wrong in thinking that I deserved better; this really is him, this is who he is – it isn’t because I lost my shit; and no wonder I came unhinged.

I am not going to avoid anywhere, anymore, and I’m no longer willing to be ignored.

The friendships…I didn’t lose them, they lost me.

It was a fucked up situation and at least I can say that I kept my integrity. And that frees up a lot of space on my hard drive.

I really hope that this is it, the wrapping up of this year, this era, this saga.

This epic adventure.


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