That little tidbit of information that I received…it has unlocked something for me .
Thank the lord.
There’s the anger. I have been angry a few times this past year but it’s been a FUCK YOU! anger; anger mixed with anxiety, stemming from heartbreak and the desire to beat someone’s head with a rock.
Now it’s kind of a calm anger, more of a fuck you feeling; anger mixed with relief.
I have been waiting a long time to actually feel it. I’ve known on an intellectual level that I should be relieved, (and angry) but emotionally, I haven’t really had it for a sustained chunk of time.
I feel like I’ve unloaded the burden that I have been carrying this entire time – that somehow it was my fault – not the breakup, but the aftermath. He told me that the problem was that I kept losing my shit with him, which unfortunately, I did, but my response to that is, Dude, why did I keep losing my shit?
But now, I have this forgiveness for myself; I was not wrong in thinking that I deserved better; this really is him, this is who he is – it isn’t because I lost my shit; and no wonder I came unhinged.
I am not going to avoid anywhere, anymore, and I’m no longer willing to be ignored.
The friendships…I didn’t lose them, they lost me.
It was a fucked up situation and at least I can say that I kept my integrity. And that frees up a lot of space on my hard drive.
I really hope that this is it, the wrapping up of this year, this era, this saga.
This epic adventure.