no words

In the last almost-year, I’ve seen him twice.

In a town this size, that’s saying something.

Of course, it’s helped that I’ve been avoiding the place(s) where we’re most likely to cross paths.

But I’m sick of avoiding, sick of anxiety, so I’ve been venturing out, knowing that at some point, we’d bump into each other.

And I’ve wondered what it would look like when we were in the same place at the same time. So much shit has happened, so may feelings felt, but it’s all been just for me; it hasn’t been because of any interaction between us.

Especially this latest piece of information. Knowing that he hit on our friend changed everything for me – like I’ve said, it freed me. But that major shift, although it has everything to do with him, hasn’t included him, and I am in such a different place that I haven’t known how I would react to seeing him.

And I’ve wondered how he would react.

Will he speak to me?

Will I speak to him?

Will he try to talk?

Do I want to hear anything he has to say?

Will we ignore each other?

Will we talk about the weather?

No.

So not interested in chit chat.

Does he know that I know?

Do I want to tell him that I know?

A myriad of scenarios went through my imagination but I couldn’t settle on a way that a chance meeting would play out because so much depended on the situation.

So this weekend, it happened, at the place that I am no longer avoiding.

I walked outside and he was talking to my son. When I approached he looked up and I realized…

I don’t have a fucking thing to say.

I nodded – acknowledged him. But nothing made its way from my brain to my mouth. It seemed like too much work.

I thought, “Meh, I’d rather just stand here and space out.”

It wasn’t reactive or manipulative or pointed – I just couldn’t be bothered to make any effort.

So, one more anxiety-provoking milestone out of the way.