originally published in the Four Corners Free Press, March 2018
Things you should know before we date, revised, 2.19.2018
Eight years ago, I was a hot mess, and newly single. I wrote a column titled “50 things you should know before we date.”
I got myself a stalker suitor out of it.
Now, once again, I am single. But you, Dear Reader, probably already knew that since I have been the talk of the town for the last six months.
Below you will find an updated version of that informative list.
Thankfully, some things have improved, such as, I have reduced the cat population in my home by half; I currently have just two.
Also, I am now a renter so painting the walls drunk is no longer an option.
Positive, forward movement, I would say.
Some things haven’t changed a bit.
Therefore, I have put together a new list, for this new era of my life. Those items which appear on both lists are marked with an *.
The List – Take 2
*I prefer to pee outside, on the ground, rather than in a toilet.
The red dirt of the desert runs in my veins; if you don’t like sandy-scratchy-prickly-sharp-parched, you probably won’t like me either.
Someone once said that you should always have more books around you than you will ever be able to read. I also believe this to be true.
I have a dog named Elvis who is an extremely good judge of character. If he bites someone, I probably won’t date them.
I have three, incredibly amazing, sons. They come first. Period.
If one of them bites someone, I definitely will not date that person.
I have been described as “fiery,” “passionate,” and “sensitive.” Interpret those words as you will, but there is never a dull moment in my world.
If I have a feeling, no matter what it is, be it happy or sad or angry or hungry or sleepy, or excited, I will cry.
I cook all f-ing day long. For other people. Chances are, I am not going to cook for you when I come home.
I read in bed.
I watch movies in bed.
I drink coffee in bed.
Sometimes I enjoy a sweet bedtime snack and then, afterwards, I enjoy a crunchy bedtime snack.
Both in bed.
I love bed.
*I have a terrible potty mouth.
I don’t run
long distances anymore
However, if I’m alone and it’s warm, I can runwalk all damn day.
Often, when I am driving, I will press the scan button and then forget about it. I’ve driven all the way to Durango to the tune of 3-second blips from every receivable radio station in the Four Corners.
I do not wear lipstick, deodorant, or underwear.
I no longer climb 5.12.
Actually, I no longer climb.
I enjoy flat water.
I still diagonal ski.
I. Love. Thrift stores.
Love them in a Confessions of a Shopaholic kind of way. The first three stops in any establishment are, in no particular order, shoes, dishes, cashmere.
I prefer to thrift alone, although sometimes a whole day of it with a girlfriend is super fun.
If pigs didn’t exist, I’d be a vegetarian.
My newly acquired independence and freedom thing is going to provide tough competition for any suitor.
-More than once, I have put the comfort of my cats after the comfort of a man. I shall not do that again. My cats are more loyal and less demanding of attention.
-I paint my fingernails.
-I do not change my own oil.
-Lately, I haven’t been so good about recycling, either.
-Sometimes I pine for gas stations in New Jersey where they pumped my gas for me.
-If I have belt loops then I wear a belt. I expect the same from others, particularly anyone with whom I might sleep.
-If there is an underdog, I will be rooting for them.
-I was cheerleading captain in eighth grade.
-The reason that the man I loved in high school (and the one in college) didn’t love me back is because he is gay. It had nothing to do with me, or my braces, my bad Dorothy Hamil hair, or my awkward attempts at flirting.
*Coffee in the afternoon gives me gas.
If it came out of the ocean, it does not go in me. Do not even try. I am a grown-up; you are not going to change my mind now.
I’m a sucker for a Coke in a bottle. The ones from Mexico.
I toured with the Dead.
I also listen to party country and Tupac.
I would like to date someone who has a healthy relationship with alcohol.
Don’t f!@# with the Jersey girl in the Tacoma. There are etiquette rules at 4-way stops and in a drive-through.
Gimme Three Steps is my favorite Lynrd Skynrd song.
When I tell a story, I will go way, way, way out on a tangent, but hang tight – I always circle back. You just might have to wait a while.
*My biggest pet peeve is people flossing in public.
*I hate the smells of spilled coffee and banana peels (not necessarily together), although I love both coffee and bananas.
I am Italian. I get really dark in the sun. I love to feed people (as long as I don’t have to do it on my days off,) I talk with my hands. We all shout in my family.
I am a believer, supporter, and huge proponent of hunting. Just don’t feed me anything you killed. We Italians prefer olives, figs, and wine.
*No matter how much I love a person, they will eventually end up in my column.
At the tender age of over-fifty, I don’t give two hoots about what others think of me anymore. #flyingmyfreakflag.
Suzanne Strazza writes from her cabin in Mancos where her flag is flying and she can pee in the back yard.