the other day I found out that my uterus is falling out and I have to have it removed
the next morning, my father died
then, I broke out in a horrible rash that I finally got looked at today because I haven’t been able to sleep due to outrageous itching in my lady-parts
you know how it is almost orgasm-inducing to finally give in and scratch a really bad itch that you know you shouldn’t mess with but when you cave, your eyes roll back in your head and you can barely breathe because it feels so good…try that on your clitoris
it’s practically indecent
so the itch is due to an infection due to the cream that the ob-gyn used when she examined my faulty bits down there
but, while today’s doctor was inspecting the hinterlands she glanced at my thigh and said, honey, you’ve got shingles
I lost it; all snot and tears and woe is me
she said, I’d hug you but I’m pregnant and you’ve got shingles so actually, I’m going to get as far away from you as possible
mom said, what can we do to help?
I said, shoot me
my brother said, a little too quickly, okay
My next door neighbors have two female black labs who Elvis crushes on big time.
If there is any sign of life next door, he races over, impossible to detain, deter, or dissuade, hoping that he’ll get to see the girls – even if only for a moment.
Said neighbors are getting married this weekend and they have family in town which equates to lots of activity over there and lots of “Elvis, get back here.”
It’s already embarrassing, but tonight…
There’s a man outside, Elvis’ substantial ears perk up and he’s running before I can even open my mouth. So I hurry over, yelling, “I’m so sorry.”
I’m far enough behind to be useless if he tries to eat someone, but close enough to see him run up to the wine casket and pee on it.
“I’m really so sorry. My name is Sally. I’m the neighbor with the wretched dog.”
Then I call the dog and attempt a graceful and hasty retreat.
I look over my shoulder at the father of the bride to say a quick toodleloo and watch my dog vomit all over their patio.
If I had to get as sick as I did this weekend, I’m glad that my deathbed was in the back of my truck on a sandy beach in the middle of the desert with no one around.
Even crippling vertigo is better under the stars.