bounce back

When you have friends like T.B. and D.J., you can’t ask for better.

The depth of my friendships from my Outward Bound days; the quality of character and indisputable levels of integrity, are unparalleled.

And then there was this tonight:

And then, this:

How can life be anything but good?

I will not be crying myself to sleep tonight.

This one’s not pretty

I’m in a fucking heap this afternoon and I am just going to whine here for a moment, so if you don’t feel like listening, that’s fine with me.

I feel beaten down. I want a break. I want something good to happen.

I know I have plenty of good and at the heart of all of it are my people. I am blessed and I know it and I’m not being bombed with chemical weapons, whatever. Blah blah blah.

My reality is that I have been and continue to be pummelled.

My 87-year-old father is in the hospital with multiple issues, my son is getting sentenced to jail for this fucking accident on Friday, and I can’t get past how I’ve been treated this year by people who supposedly loved me, because all of these people are around.

I feel pain. I’m tired. The teary floodgates have opened and I can’t stop the waterworks.

All was contained today until I got a call from the son of a friend who died (not recently) asking me about scattering his father’s ashes and I know that MXB should be a part of that and we can’t both be a part of it so I bowed out.

It was the right thing to do.

But how much can a gal take? I know that I keep referring to the last several months when my world imploded; the breakup, losing the home, boys moving out, accident, giardia, concussion etc. But the reality is that this started long before that with my mom’s cancer and my dad’s life-threatening heart and lung issues.

I want to go to Florida now – I know it would help them. But I can’t go because of this week’s sentencing.

So then I have to face the reality that my son is likely going to have to do jail time and I really didn’t plan that when I decided to have children.

I feel crushed beneath a boot heel.

Last fall, when the shit hit, even though I was crippled with sadness and there was too much on my plate for any one person to manage, I knew that I had the fortitude and tenacity (god, I love that word) to make it through.

Today, I don’t have that confidence. All I have today is a wall of disbelief and a petulant sense of deserving better.

I want to kick and scream and throw shit and then not have all of this crap happening any more.

Like I said, I want something good to happen.

I’ve had Utah.

Without Utah, I wouldn’t be walking and talking.

I have incredible people. One showed up today with a Sally-green spatula for my kitchen which made me smile.

But I just feel like I can’t do any more. My reserves for tackling this next round have been completely depleted. And yet it’s here. I’m in it.

It’s thick and murky and sludgy and I just want to lie down and let it consume me.

I am tired of fighting the fight.

I am tired of having to be resilient and strong and tenacious.

I want to wake up excited for the day, not weighted down before I am even out of bed.

No one deserves the suffering that they must endure, but I’m at the point where I’m thinking I fucking deserve something better than this.

I’m tired.

I’m tired.

I’m tired.

 

2 weeks 2 days

My best friends from 6th grade will be here in that much time.

We were tight in 6th and 7th grade and then all went to different schools.

We think the last time the 3 of us were together was maybe junior year in High School.

C, I’ve seen a couple of times over the years. Pre-children. Last time we spoke was 3 or 4 years ago.

J, neither C nor I had spoken with her since junior year in high school.

This winter, we had one conference call and now they are coming here.

How great is that?

They’re city girls: Manhattan and D.C. They have jobs that require an education. They hear car horns on a regular basis. They have husbands.

Our lives are all so different.

And it’s so cool that we all went in different directions, haven’t talked for all of these years, and after one conversation decide that we still like each other enough to want to hang out.

I’m so excited I can barely stand it.

 

 

what are my dreams telling me

I keep dreaming about sex: sex with the wrong people.

On the surface I’d say that my libido has reawakened.

But what about the wrong people bit?

Is it lack of options? Lack of imagination?

After what I had and what I lost in terms of a relationship, I’m not really interested in casual sex.

I kind of gave that a go early on – phone sex with an old lover – it didn’t do it for me.

I’ve had several offers (one that I seriously considered), but I’ve declined.

I think about waking up with someone in my tiny home and I can’t imagine it.

Then I try to imagine waking up in someone else’s home and that’s just ridiculous. I haven’t woken up in someone else’s bed since he and I moved in together years ago.

This is a tricky spot to find myself in at 52.

Do I want a relationship right now? Am I wishing that I had a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Casual sex – no strings attached? Long distance lover? One night stand?

I’m thoroughly enjoying being alone, having complete freedom and independence; I like being able to do whatever I want whenever I want.

I love the time that I am spending with friends – something I lost in the last 7 years. The friends that I hung out with then are the friends that were also his.

And many of those friends turned out to be not-friends.

I missed out on a lot of other amazing people – people who are real friends.

I know that’s what often occurs in a relationship, so I’m making up for it now.

I’m really happy and am in no rush whatsoever to be “in partnership.”

God how that expression makes me cringe – I hate the lack of articles in today’s language.

I can’t really see casual sex with anyone that I know (although my dreams are telling me something else.)

But there seem to be stirrings.

My devastated heart is healing.

my view tonight

DSCN0791.jpgThis is what I usually see

DSCN1092 (1)

This is what I’ve got tonight

Those aren’t clouds

That’s red dirt from over the border

 

I didn’t go to Utah…Utah came to me

PS: this happened on my way home

IMG_4518It’s a little windy this evening